Finally Some Answers...

Once again more medical stuff for my record (I've included lots of links for your benefit if you're interested though)...

This past Wednesday I had my appointment with Dr. Foulk. He's a Reproductive Endocrinologist at Utah Fertility Center. The appointment went really well and I finally got some answers as to why I'm having such a hard time staying pregnant. I told him my entire fertility/pregnancy history and had him pretty curious at that point. I've had so many different complications over the years and I think his medical brain was trying to piece everything together-I'm quite the complicated puzzle :) As soon as we finished reviewing my history we went right over into the next room and he performed a "water ultrasound." Pretty much right away he determined that I have an incompetent cervix. None of the water he was injecting was staying in my uterus, it would just come right back out. Ttalk about feeling like you majorly peed your pants... he said something to the fact that I was getting a major douche and would have the cleanest vagina in town... LOL! Sorry if that's tmi, I couldn't help myself! He also said it's usually pretty hard to get the catheter through the cervix (because it's suppose to be really tight and closed) and it went in really quick and loosely, pretty far into my uterus way too easy. He tried three separate times to inject a huge syringe (and all those other fun tools) full of water with no luck of it even staying in long enough to capture pictures on the ultrasound screen. Usually a incompetent cervix can't be diagnosed until you are pregnant (and having complications and dilating prematurely) and so it's crazy that mine is already in that state while I'm not even pregnant. He finally had the nurse get a big cup of water and she kept injecting water as fast as she could so he could capture some images real quick. Talk about a workout for my cervix... I was cramping pretty bad the whole time and he felt really bad that my day was starting out this way. I was actually happy though and told him to do whatever he needed to do because I was finally getting answers, finally everything was starting to make sense. During the ultrasound he found that I have a Septate Uterus which is a wall that partially or completely divides the uterus longitudinally into two cavities on the inside making the capacity a lot less, less room for a baby to grow. Mine is 1.51 cm long (the average non-pregnant uterus is 4 cm long) so it is in between 1/3 to 1/2 divided which he said is pretty significant. Also the right side is a lot smaller then the left side, so if a pregnancy were to implant on the right side there is even less capacity than half of a normal uterus. I know for sure that this last pregnancy I lost at almost 16 weeks was on the smaller right side :( I specifically asked the ultrasound tech. during one of my ultrasounds and was told it was on the right side. I'm not sure on the two I lost before this last one, both at almost 11 weeks. He also saw some Uterine Adhesion's while performing the ultrasound. The combination of these issues makes for lots of complications during pregnancy :( Also he dispelled a couple former diagnosis's that I've had. He wasn't able to see the Fibroid that I was recently told I had and that we thought might be a big issue... still a bit confused about that one, I can't imagine it could go away that fast. Also for years I've thought and been told I have a Bicornuate Uterus and it turns out I don't, I have a Septate Uterus. I guess with regular ultrasounds they can't really tell the difference, and so they just always call it that because it looks kind of heart shaped but bicornuate uterus's are heart shaped on the outside and septate uterus's are normal on the outside (like an upside down triangle) but divided on the inside. He was able to get a clear picture and distinguish between the two during the procedure. Which is good news because a bicornuate uterus can't be fixed but a septate uterus can. So I'm scheduled to have surgery early next month and Dr. Foulk will remove the septate wall and open it all up so I have a normal full capacity uterus. He will also remove any adhesion's or anything else that isn't suppose to be there. Then if I become pregnant I will have a Cervical Cerclage placed (ouchie!) pretty early during the pregnancy to (hopefully) keep my cervix from dilating prematurely and miscarrying as a result. I know it sounds weird but I'm really happy and at peace with all of this. It's so exciting to have real answers and feel hopeful at this point... here's to a happy surgery day!

Wednesday 4/6/11

The Story...

Warning: This post contains matter dealing with loss of pregnancy...

This is mostly for my record...

12 week baby bump (or lack of, weight -7)

Sunday 11/14/10

On Thursday 12/9/10 I lost my seventh pregnancy at 15 weeks, 4 days. I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday at 5 weeks. I called my Dr. the next morning and I was on Progesterone and baby aspirin by that evening. We were really hoping that my Progesterone levels were the reason I have had such a hard time staying pregnant. I was on Progesterone and baby aspirin with Maddox and he was my only full term baby. This pregnancy was pretty much complication free until around 9 weeks. I was very nauseas and tired as with previous pregnancies. I was taking Zofran which helped a little but I was still pretty miserable and had lost some weight. I started spotting around 9 weeks and had my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, 5 days on 11/5/10. Everything looked perfect and there were no signs of any bleeds on the ultrasound. The bleeding varied from light spotting to heavier like a period but never stopped. I had my second ultrasound at 11 weeks, 4 days on 11/11/10. Once again everything looked perfect and there were no signs of bleeds. It was noted that I had a very low placenta and that could possibly be the cause of the bleeding. Any type of lifting or pressure on the placenta could cause it to bleed. I was told to take it easy and rest as much as possible and not lift at all. I had my third ultrasound at 14 weeks, 2 days on 11/29/10. Once again everything looked perfect and there were no signs of bleeds (I also found out it was a girl and was so excited!) I was suppose to be on the Progesterone suppositories daily through 12 weeks and then start the Progesterone shots weekly for weeks 16-36. It has been shown to help with those who have had prior preterm deliveries. I had some extra suppositories and decided to use them instead of throw them away so I took them until 13 weeks 2 days. So at the time of my third ultrasound I had been off Progesterone for one week and was just waiting until I was 16 weeks to start the shots. I mentioned that to the Dr. and wondered if it might be a possibility that that was the reason I was bleeding heavier. I already had the progesterone and all the supplies for the shots so he said to go ahead and start the shots then rather than wait until 16 weeks. Steve (having prior medical experience) gave me the shots those two weeks. On Wednesday 12/8/10 I started cramping and bleeding heavier and I had a rough night that night and wasn't able to sleep much at all. Looking back now I'm pretty sure I was having contractions and not just cramping. I had contractions on and off all day Thursday. I went into the Dr.'s office around 2PM for a heartbeat check and everything was normal. Steve and I had a friends annual Christmas party to go to and left the house at 5:30 PM. While we were driving to the party I started feeling like I did before I delivered Avery at 25 1/2 weeks. My contractions were only minutes apart and I was feeling lots of pressure. I let Steve know that we may have to leave the party early. We were at the party for around an hour and we decided we better leave before we made a big scene. My contractions were as close as 2 minutes apart. We went straight to the American Fork ER dressed to the nines-Steve in a suit and I in a blouse, pencil skirt and 4 inch heals. We were really frustrated at the lack of urgency at the ER (isn't that always the case!) We were checked in and put in a room and then waited for an ultrasound. It seemed like forever because I was in labor at this point and having contractions every two minutes. They were getting worse and at about 9pm (about an hour after arriving) my water broke in the middle of a really bad contraction. I was a bit hysterical at this point and Steve ran out of the room to call for help. Finally there was a sense of urgency and they took me in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech wouldn't give us any information but I already knew at that point that it was bad news. I was taken back to the original room and lifted on the sheet from one bed to the other. The ER doctor came in and told us the baby was no longer in my uterus and was already in the birth canal. The ultrasound tech wasn't able to see the baby on the ultrasound until he put the wand lower on my thigh and pointed it up and saw she was in the birth canal. I'm sure that is the reason he had me lifted to the original bed rather than stand up myself... he didn't want to be the one doing the delivery. As soon as the Dr. gave us the news he delivered our tiny little girl. She was so perfect and all her features were already so developed... tiny fingerprints, footprints, ears, etc. She was about 7 inches long fully extended. My placenta however wasn't so excited to make an exit. Steve had called my sister Stacy (who lives really close to the hospital) while we were driving there so she was able to come and be with us. Thanks so much Stacy! Shortly after the delivery they had a "bereavement specialist" come to my room. She was such a sweet caring lady and spent a couple hours there making a special package for me to take home while we were waiting for the placenta to (hopefully) pass. She made ink prints of the babies tiny feet and hands (that were about the size of Barbie feet and hands), made ceramic molds of her hands and feet, cleaned her up and put a little pink bow on her head, wrapped a tiny robe around her and wrapped her in a blanket. She took some pictures of her as well as a couple of pictures of me holding her. I held her for a few minutes. We decided at about 11PM that Steve better get home so he could take the babysitter home (who was only planning on babysitting until around 9PM.) My placenta still hadn't passed and we were still waiting to see if it would or if I would need a D&C. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to have a D&C because I was trying to minimize the medical bills. I even passed on being given any pain medication through all the contractions and waiting. I waited until 3AM (6 hours post delivery) and at that point the Dr. and I decided to proceed with the D&C. My body was still pumping blood to the placenta and since the baby had already been delivered I was just contracting and bleeding out. My hematocrit levels had started dropping and they were worried they would have to give me blood. So I was prepped for surgery, talked to the OB that had been called in to do the surgery, signed some consent forms and was taken into the OR at 3:08AM. I was given some anesthesia and was told I would be intubated and that is all I remember until after the surgery. While in recovery I mentioned my back hurt (I feel most of my labor pains through my back) and so I was given some Morphine and was out of it for several hours. I woke up around 8:30AM very emotional. Reality had set in and I felt so sad and defeated. I had a good cry and then my nurse came in to check on me and give me the menu for room service (which is awesome I must say.) I ordered some breakfast (veggie omelette-I had been craving one recently and some hash browns-which I love, and milk.) Steve and the kids showed up to pick me up around 10AM... I was so glad to see them. They were right in time for breakfast, so of course the kids insisted I share my food with them. We had just told the kids I was pregnant a week or so before so of course Maddy had some questions right when they got there. He asked me where the baby was and why she died. I was so sad but tried to explain to him that she went back to live with our Heavenly Father. He also let me know he still wants another sister AND a brother. I guess technically the kids have five other siblings that they will hopefully someday meet...

"My Sweet Baby

I held you physically

For a brief moment

I hold you in my

Heart for always..."

15 weeks, 4 days

Thursday 12/9/10

Steve was so so amazing through this whole process. He has always been so caring and supportive when I'm pregnant and this time around was no exception. He just took over pretty much all the household responsibilities. He would just come home from work and see what needed to be done (which was pretty much everything) and just do it without saying anything or complaining. He did dishes, laundry, cleaned toilets, floors, grocery shopped, Christmas shopped for the kids, etc. He would also come home every night and make his own dinner, spend time with the kids, bathe them and put them to bed. I was in bed before them the majority of the time. I kept waiting for him to get burned out and frustrated but it never happened...

Thanks so much Steve... you are my rock! You made it a lot easier for me to get through the days and I am so grateful to have you in my life. I love you more than you will ever know!

Heavy Heart...

After a long rough night spent in the ER (and with a very heavy heart), I wanted to let you all know that we lost our baby girl on Thursday evening at 15 weeks, 4 days gestation. Her tiny little body was perfect and she will always hold a special place in our hearts.

We want to thank all the many dear friends and family that have been so supportive and loving through this process, you have truly made our burden lighter.

No Words Necessary...

Loss...

Warning: This post contains matter dealing with loss of pregnancy and has lots of boring details (for my record.)

This past week I had my 4th pregnancy loss. That brings my record to 2/6. Not too good. I am so grateful for the two children that I have. Going through these trials makes me realize that they truly are miracles and I have been so blessed to have them in my life. The kids didn't know I was pregnant. I didn't think they would be able to understand how long it would take to actually have the baby if things worked out, and I didn't want to try explaining to them what happened if things didn't work out. Maddy drew the picture above on his "Doodle Pro" a few weeks ago before the more serious complications started. I was a bit taken back when he showed it to me because it was the first time I had seen him draw people (stick figures) at all and he drew our whole family. He pointed out to me that he drew Daddy, Me, Him and Avery and excitedly said "Look Mom we are all holding hands!" It was really special to me and I will never forget it-of course I had to take a picture before it was cleared.

My experience this time around was very similar to the one I had on August 18 of last year. However this pregnancy started out better than any of my prior pregnancies and I just had very minimal spotting until 8+ weeks. Of course I had the usual nausea and fatigue and lost some weight. I began to get my hopes up and think I might have a somewhat normal pregnancy. I even thought it might be the first time I made it to my first regularly scheduled appointment (2/18/10) before having to be seen for complications. Well I almost made it... missed it by one day. On 2/16/10 (8 weeks 4 days) I began bleeding heavier. It started within an hour of having this conversation with Maddy. It was a bitter/sweet evening. I called the Dr. the next morning (2/17/10) and went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days.

The bleeding had mostly stopped and everything looked perfect on the ultrasound. The baby was measuring within a couple days of my due date and had a very strong heartbeat of 185 beats per minute (in early pregnancy 170-180 is normal.) Everything went smoothly for the next two weeks. Then on 3/3/10 (10 weeks 5 days) with no warning my water broke (it was small but still very clear to me what had happened.) For a couple hours after I was bleeding quite a bit. At this point I was pretty sure this pregnancy wasn't going to continue. The next day on 3/4/10 (10 weeks 6 days) I went in for my second ultrasound and they confirmed the pregnancy was no longer viable. However the pregnancy was still visible on the ultrasound so I had not passed all the tissue. I spoke to the Dr. about my options. He told me I could wait for my body to pass the tissue on it's own (which is very unpredictable-can take days or weeks), take some medication (Misoprostol) which causes the cervix to dilate and the uterine lining to shed or have a D & C. I decided to wait a week to see if my body would pass the tissue on it's own. It was a miserable week because I still felt pregnant (nausea and very tired) and was just waiting for it to be over with. Nothing happened so on 3/12/10 (12 weeks) I started taking the medication. I was really nervous to take the medicine knowing I was going to be in a lot of pain. As expected I had lots of cramping and spent lots of time in the bathroom. My digestive system was also a mess, which is one of the side effects. I ended up having to take 3 of the 4 doses (every 12 hours) so it made for a long two days (and nights.) My kids were also sick on those days. Avery had a bad cough, fever and runny nose and Maddy started coughing and had some kind of eye infection. I ended up coming down with the head cold stuff myself as well. I guess when it rains it pours.

Those of you that know Avery know that it is nearly impossible for her to hold still so there is no denying she wasn't feeling well. She also wants to eat anything in sight but didn't have an appetite at all.

Maddy wanted his picture taken as well with his Lego creation. Love these two so much!

Thanks Mom and Dad for the beautiful flowers, salsa and dinner money. Thanks Stacy for the yummy salsa and cookies. Thanks to all the many friends and family members who offered words of encouragement, put our names on prayer rolls at the temple and all the many prayers on our behalf.

Bump in the Road...

WARNING: This post is long winded, contains matter dealing with loss of pregnancy... and is pretty high on the sap-o-meter(I think I made that word up.)

My plans for this post didn't workout as I had hoped. I had planned on a happy post I would be publishing in a couple weeks and calling it something like "Bump Watch Begins..." I found out in July that I was pregnant and was really excited. It seemed to be perfect timing-I had finally got insurance that lasted through June of next year and we got pregnant the first month we tried. Although excited I must admit I was a bit nervous and scared. My worst fear was a repeat of my prior pregnancy. The reason I was holding off on this post was because within a week of finding out I started having complications. Any of you that know my history know this is nothing new and I was really hoping things would work out. I wanted to feel more confident that things were getting better before making the big announcement. There are only a handful of people that knew and I even held off telling some of the most important people in my life to spare them the worry that I know it would've caused them. I just wanted the news to be happy news and not be overshadowed with concern(like all of my previous 4 pregnancies had been.) I debated even making this post-I think when blogging we tend to focus on the good things in our life and choose to leave some of the harder things we go through in life unwritten. Ultimately I decided that this was an important event in my life and all things happen for a reason(even it we don't know why), so I decided to just go for it. I have also been very touched and inspired by her story and am amazed at her strength and while my story doesn't compare to hers I know that through sharing our trials we strengthen others.

On Tuesday August 18, 2009 at 10 weeks 4 days I miscarried. During the almost six weeks that I knew I was pregnant I had been to the hospital for blood work(quant. hCG which was 60728-at 6 weeks 6 days it was well within the normal range), had my first regular OB appointment, had two ultrasounds(with another one previously scheduled for the day following my miscarriage) and had been put on (modified) bed rest. The bleeding never stopped during this time but I was used to this and was just taking it one day at a time and trying to stay positive. My first ultrasound was at 6 weeks 6 days and everything looked completely normal. The baby had a strong heartbeat and measured exactly where it should've based on my LMP. There were no detectable signs of bleeding on the ultrasound. About week and a half later at 8 weeks 3 days the bleeding got a lot worse so I was sent for another ultrasound. The baby still looked great with a strong heartbeat and measured right on. However there was a large mass of bleeding right at the border of the amniotic sac and where the placenta was developing. There was also a small bleed above the amniotic sac. I had my first regular appointment a couple days later at 8 weeks 5 days and the DR. was still hopeful(given my history) that it was just first trimester bleeding. We discussed some things we could do later on to help the pregnancy. I was going to be given Progesterone shots for 20 weeks every week starting at week 16 and ending at 36 weeks. Studies have shown they are really successful at helping women carry babies longer that are considered high risk for preterm delivery. I am classified as high risk for several reasons-prior preterm(25 weeks) delivery, bicornuate uterus, ectopic pregnancy, endometriosis, miscarriage, etc. We also discussed various things such as cervical ultrasounds later on and closer monitoring during the pregnancy. I felt confident that I was in good hands. Early Tuesday morning at about 2 am I woke up with severe cramping and massive amounts of bleeding. I spent the majority of the morning in the bathroom and was hoping that it was just all the blood clearing out but deep down I knew something wasn't right. I had a rough day on Tuesday and at about 5:30 pm I miscarried. It was very traumatic because I actually saw the fetus(previous miscarriages I wasn't far enough along) and while it was small(about 1 1/2 inches) it already looked so much like a human. Almost exactly like this. I could see all of the fingers and toes, eyes, etc. Unfortunately Steve was again the recipient of a frantic phone call and was a trooper and collected the tissue so I would have it to take to the DR. I know you are probably thinking that is completely disgusting but I had read on several different occasions that this is what you should do if possible in case they want to send it for testing.

All these fertility/pregnancy trials are something I would rather not have to go through but it seems to be what I have been dealt with. I will say that experiencing these things has made me appreciate how fragile life is and how important the people in our lives are and to not take them for granted. The picture above is one of my favorites and hangs in our bedroom. It is called "I am the Light" and the artist is Danny Hahlbohm. It is a great reminder to me that our Savior is always there for us. There were times during all our years of infertility while going through various testing, treatments, fertility drugs, pregnancy losses, etc. that I thought I would never be able to have my own children. Words can't express how grateful I am for the two that I have been blessed with. I remember how emotionally consuming it was and the emotional roller coaster that I went through every month only to be disappointed over and over. I remember doing something as simple as walking though the parking lot at work and seeing a cute little family and having to physically collect myself before I could go into work. I know some of you that are reading this have gone through or are going through this and my heart goes out to you!

This all sounds so depressing and I want people to know I really was excited so here are some things I was excited about and looking forward to posting in my post if things had worked out the way I wanted...

I was excited to say this belonged to me...

I was excited to share the first photo(6 weeks 6 days)...

I had decided as daunting as it was I was going to post "belly shots" every four weeks or so(looking back I wish I had them for my prior pregnancies) and had Steve take the first the day I hit the 8 week mark...

I was excited to add that cheesy little pregnancy countdown to my sidebar and looking forward to announcing it in some clever way on Facebook.

I had already started a list of names I liked and was looking forward to picking out "the perfect name" with Steve.

I was excited for Maddy to have a brother or Avery to have a sister-those are some of the most special relationships.

I was excited to be due in the early spring(March 12) and hoping, hoping, hoping I would make it somewhere close to that date.

I have to thank my dear husband who was there through the whole thing. He was there when I broke down and was there to give me a hug... even if it was in the bathroom. :) He was there to make runs to Wal Mart for much need "feminine products." He put up with me while I wasn't up for housework, cooking or yard work and was doing my fair share of sleeping. He was also persistent at trying to get me to get out of the house.

I have to also thank my family who are always there for me. Those of you that didn't know I know you would've been. Thanks for your excitement, concern and help with the kids. Stacy and Jamie-thanks for the food and taking Maddy along on trips to 7 Peaks. It gave me some much needed time to rest and Maddy much needed breaks from the house. I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and joining you again for all of our fun outings. I'm especially excited for Halloween and the Fall season! I had so much fun with you last year during those months.

To the few dear friends that knew. Thank you so much for your excitement and concern... it means more to me than you will ever know. I know I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends ever!

To those of you that are regular readers... I plan on getting back to my old regular blogging self as soon as possible.